By Jeremy Greenberg for MSN Lifestyle

Of all the anticipated parenting challenges, never in my life did my wife and I foresee what hell it would be to hire a nanny. For us, a nanny seemed to be the best daycare option, because we have twins. We knew that we couldn’t afford one of those top-of-the-line nannies who sings songs and dances on verdant mountaintops. But we thought that, with a thorough search, we’d be able to find good, affordable in-house childcare. By the end of our interviews, however, we felt lucky if the next candidate didn’t sport a teardrop tattoo under his or her eye, or answer our questions with responses such as, “Sure, I can take care of kids. I had five before I was 20.”

For those of you also in this boat, I offer the following cautionary tale, followed by some advice on what one should do if forced to seek the services of a budget nanny. If you’re not currently in the market for a nanny, then please enjoy a good laugh at our expense.

THE CANDIDATES

First, I’ll share with you three of the “best” candidates. To use reality-TV lingo, these three “made it to the house” for in-person interviews. And I repeat, these were the best.

The Hottie

My wife probably would not appreciate my referring to this candidate as The Hottie. But there’s simply no other term to describe her. She showed up to the interview dressed as though she were trying to win the affections of Flavor Flav. The only difference was that, although she was a mere 19 years of age, she had a 4-year-old son in tow. She was sporting that look where the top of her underwear sticks out of the back of her pants. Call me old-fashioned, but when did wedgies become fashionable? Does she think I’m going to see her pink thong rocketing out of her too-tight jeans and say, “You know, I like her taste in underwear — I think she’d be great with kids”?

She made it to the in-person interview primarily because she was one of the first candidates who actually showed up. (We spoke with many who seemed excellent, but then backed out once the words “twins” and “eleven dollars an hour” made each other’s acquaintance.)

The candidate with a dirty 5-year-old with a lollipop stuck to his shirt

I can’t list this candidate by any kind of name. All I remember about her is that she arrived at the interview with her current charge: a filthy kid, who looked old enough to run a marathon, yet for some reason was still in a stroller, and was sporting a dirty lollipop stuck to his shirt. You’d think someone interviewing for a nanny position would realize that arriving with a child is like pushing a résumé in a stroller. And exhibiting that lollipop is like answering the interview question, “So what do you think you can teach my kids?” by saying, “For one thing, they’ll learn how to cultivate bacteria on things they may potentially stick back into their mouths.”

So, a word to all those prospective nannies out there: unless the job description reads, “Looking for a nanny who can sing songs and spread impetigo,” it might be a good idea to remove all stuck candy from clothing, and bust out a wash cloth before dragging Junior to the interview.

The Winner (so to speak)

The winning candidate appeared to be perfect. At first, we couldn’t believe our good fortune. She was young enough so that we could afford her, yet with experience in an infant room at a daycare — ideal preparation for twins. She knew how to interview and answer questions. And most importantly, she had an instant connection with the tots.

Her arrival seemed like providence — that is, until her first day on the job, when she promptly enlightened us to the fact that she’s bipolar, and that she’s off her meds. I suppose she thought she was doing the “responsible” thing by telling us. What’s even better is, halfway through her first day, she said her stomach hurt, went home sick, and didn’t return for two days.

And why did her stomach hurt, you might wonder? Because she was pregnant!

That’s right. The best candidate we found was a bipolar, pregnant 20-something with attendance issues. After two months, we finally begged my mother-in-law to step in.

What’s a parent to do?

Emily Dills, president of The Seattle Nanny Network, has some great input for navigating the minefield of nannydom.

Foremost, she impressed upon me the importance of the child-nanny connection. Emily says, “The truest barometer will always be your child’s response to the nanny — even an infant. Based on this relationship, you will decide the level of importance of every other concern.”

This is the most important thing for those of us using budget nannies to remember. We seek the most important qualities, and forgive the rest. If The Hottie and my twins somehow had an amazing rapport, I’d live with the fact that she’s a walking lingerie show.

Of course, there are a few things, such as criminal records, that are complete road blocks, and should never be acceptable no matter the connection. Dills stresses the importance of doing a thorough reference check. “References should be detailed and varied; not just former sitter and childcare experiences, but a non-childcare related employer, and personal contacts who have known the applicant for a long period of time.”

Budget nanny management

Making these kinds of tradeoffs, especially when it comes to your children, can be a tough pill to swallow.

In fact, Jayne Bellando, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist at Arkansas Children’s Hospital, doesn’t think you should make any concessions. “Childcare is not an area where you should skimp. Any person who is going to spend an appreciable amount of time with your kids will have a pretty significant impact in your child’s development.”

I couldn’t agree more. But the spare-no-expense attitude just isn’t realistic for many of us. A highly qualified childcare professional runs about $18 an hour, plus benefits and retirement-fund contributions. They deserve every penny; it’s a demanding job requiring a special person. But for those of us who know that we’ll have to get by with a mid-range nanny, or even a glorified babysitter, I offer the following three unconventional tips for dealing with a discount nanny:

1. Be patient: You may hire and fire several nannies before you meet “the one.” Think of it like dating — except that the third day of work isn’t nearly as exciting.

2. Know the nanny’s major malfunction: Accept and manage whatever flaw makes your nanny affordable. Don’t get angry because your young nanny can’t clean even though she said she could. If she could do everything on her résumé, you wouldn’t be able to afford her.

3. Spy on your nanny: Be sure to tell the nanny that you will set up webcams and call frequently to check up, not because you don’t trust her (though that’s exactly why you’re doing it), but for your own peace of mind. If a nanny’s upset about your surveillance, that’s a major red flag. There are webcams in professional daycares, so why should your home be different?

Can I hold the baby?

I hope that for those of you looking for good childcare, your journey will be less harrowing than ours. The toughest part will be accepting that the person watching your child isn’t as perfect as you want him or her to be. I recommend that you think of hiring a budget nanny like you’re buying a used car: If it’s safe and what you need, forgive the fact that the seats are ripped — or covered in dirty lollipops.

Jeremy Greenberg is a comedian and columnist and the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel, 2008). His Web site is jeremygreenberg.com.

Nanny Poachers on the Playground & Preschool

After being a nanny for as long as I have, I love finding articles that have been published that have to do with “Nanny Snatching”.  Nanny snatching is a term used when one mother aggressively approaches an awesome Nanny on a playground, or at preschool drop off and starts throwing a barrage of questions about her relationship with her family and if she might toy with the idea of leaving them to work for her for maybe shorter hours and more pay. 

Being an educated, highly energetic, knowledgeable childcare provider, I am easy to spot on the playground, because I am the one who genuinely LOVES what I do and it’s obvious as I am on al the equipment and playing “Barista” with my charges under the climbing apparatuses.  I love my little ones, I am loyal, and I am not leaving.  My children mean more to me than anything because I am not only their nanny. But I am the glue that binds the family together.

Serious, professionals will not consider leaving for we are loyal and forever interested.  Some of my relationships have stemmed over 20 years with some of my charges.  According to Pat Cascio, owner of Morningside Nannies in Houston, “Nannies are very loyal and cannot be stolen if they feel respected and cared about.  If they feel overworked, underpaid they’re going to look elsewhere.”  

This comes down to parents and nannies discussing pay and finalizing Salary requirements as well as potential benefits.  As we know families must stay within their budgets, they also need to remember that Nannies need to feel secure in their positions and continuity of care for heir children will follow in a natural progression. 

According to Emily Dills, owner of the Seattle Nanny Network, She says she adheres to these guidelines when it comes to her own nanny, because treating the nanny as a member of the household and not an employee is imperative.  She maintains a professional boundary, while at the same time, the nanny knows and understands the value she brings into the household dynamic.   Although the nanny’s job is a position of “service”, it is important to treat her respectfully as a member of the household and not an employee.

So to be an effective family in a nanny’s world, treat her with love, kindness and respect, as it’s the easiest way to keep her away from those parents that are trying to poach your nanny at preschool or the playground.

Dara B. Green

President, Seaside Nannies Inc.

Seaside Nannies Inc. was founded by Dara Green, nanny of 23 years and preschool teacher in the San Diego community. Seaside Nannies has been created to serve the needs of each family and nanny to create relationships that last.

In an effort to help you strengthen your business practices and steer clear of legal trouble, The Legal Review will share findings from relevant legal cases. We’ve found that the easiest way to gain a practical understanding of complex tax and labor law is by reviewing real-life situations. These stories will illuminate potential legal landmines for your agency and/or your clients, and more importantly, show you how to avoid them.

Reporting Partial Wages: State of California & IRS vs. Family and Nanny

A fairly common myth exists in the household employment industry: it is acceptable to report some of an employee’s wages “on the books” and some “off the books.” The rationalization is that both family and employee save some tax dollars and the nanny receives some of her benefits. Additionally, because both parties file tax returns and appear to be compliant, they convince themselves they’ll fly under the audit radar.

While it’s true that your clients and candidates are better off reporting partial wages versus none at all, both parties need to know there is still financial and legal risk. To the state and federal tax authorities, this practice represents a textbook case of conspiring to commit felony tax fraud and tax evasion. Therefore, for your agency’s protection, make sure you and your counselors avoid any communication – explicit or implicit – that might be construed as condoning or supporting the practice of reporting partial wages. This case illustrates the risk for clients, candidates and agencies.

The Mistake

When making an offer to a candidate, a family offered to report only half the wages in order to meet a desired “take-home pay.” The employment agreement was finalized (and placement fees were calculated) based on a $30,000 annual salary, but the family and nanny agreed to set up payroll to reflect a salary of $15,000. The agency counselor, knowing the deal was improper but understandably eager to make the placement work, silently oversaw the negotiations. By failing to raise a red flag, the agency provided implicit approval of the arrangement.

The Law

Employers are required by law to report all compensation paid to an employee. This includes regular wages as well as all cash allowances, overtime pay, bonuses, commissions, gratuities, etc. (The only non-taxable forms of compensation are employer-paid health insurance premiums and employer-paid tuition for an accredited college or university). Verbal or written agreements to compensate an employee completely or partially “off the books” is considered felony tax evasion, punishable by up to 5 years in prison and fines up to $250,000.

The Mess

After a couple of years on the job, the nanny became pregnant. For health reasons, she was put on bed rest a month prior to her due date. Following the birth, she planned on a two-month maternity leave. Knowing she would need financial help in order to pay her bills during this 3-month period without employment, the nanny called the state’s disability benefits office to consult with a case worker about the application process, the amount she could expect, how long before she got a check, etc.

After talking to the case worker, the nanny was upset about what she considered to be an inadequate amount of financial assistance. (All government benefits – including disability, unemployment, retirement, medicare, etc. – are tied directly to reported compensation. Since she had reported only half of her wages, she was due to receive only half of her benefits).

Frightened that she would be unable to make ends meet during such a critical time in her life, the nanny desperately pleaded with the family to pay for the other half of her disability benefits. The family told her they would not be able to help her, claiming they would need all their money to pay for a replacement nanny during her time off. Stressed, tired and emotional – and out of options for supplemental income – the nanny decided to apply for her disability benefits with a stated income of $30,000. This triggered the following series of events:

The case worker at the state reviewed all the tax records and noticed a discrepancy between the stated and reported wages. The case worker then sent a notice to the employer to verify actual wages. The family was now trapped in a no-win situation. If they chose to lie and maintain that the wages were $15,000, the state would likely audit the nanny and the family, ultimately discovering the conspiracy to evade taxes. If they decided to honestly admit under-reporting of wages, they would be subject to expensive back taxes, penalties and interest. Upon learning the consequences of felony tax evasion charges, the family opted to come clean.

The Outcome

The family was forced to go back to the beginning of the relationship and amend every quarterly state tax return using the corrected gross income of $30,000. In addition to paying taxes on the unreported wages, the family was also required to pay penalties and interest. The family also had to amend two years of personal income tax returns and pay all the social security, medicare and federal unemployment taxes. Because they did not withhold the employee’s portion of the social security and medicare taxes on the unreported wages, the family was forced to pay both the employer and employee portions of these taxes. They were also subject to underpayment penalties on these federal taxes, which added two years of interest charges onto the bill. The employee was forced to amend her personal income tax returns to correctly report the total compensation. This resulted in additional income taxes and interest on the unreported income. She ultimately got the disability benefits she needed, but she had to set up a payment plan with the tax agencies to cover her increased income tax liability. The family contacted the agency repeatedly through this process, threatening to sue for a refund of fees and half the damages. Although they knew in their heart that the partial reporting deal they struck was improper, they claimed that the agency gave them a false sense of security. In their mind, the agency was complicit because they knowingly brokered an illegal placement. The agency ultimately acquiesced to the family’s demand in order to avoid the cost and risk of a lawsuit.

How the Whole Thing Could Have Been Avoided

This situation might have been avoided if the agency had 1) explicitly warned the family of their obligations to report all wages, and 2) clearly explained to the candidate the benefits available to those who are paid legally and the risk involved in failing to report income.

A thorough understanding by both parties of the taxes, the benefits and the risks would have helped them make an informed decision. Of course, the family and nanny might have decided to continue down the illegal path anyway, but at least they would have done so knowingly – thereby absolving the agency of all risk. For more information about household employment tax and labor law, please visit us at www.breedlove-online.com or call us at 888-BREEDLOVE (273-3356). We’re here to help our agency partners provide their candidates and clients with information, tools and resources that improve the employment relationship, eliminate legal risks for all parties, and generally increase the professionalism of the industry.

Here are some more testimonials from some very happy Nannies that have found comfort in finding the perfect fit!  Even in this horrible economy, which is effecting everyone, have faith, things will eventually turn out!

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I have been out of a job for about 3 months now. Before I met Dara I was going through 3 other different agencies. When I would go out and interview with other families I was lost.I didn’t know what to expect and I felt so unprepared. Families didn’t have enough information about me and they were left clueless.  Then if I didnt get the first job agencies stopped calling and it was becoming so frustrating. I found the light and met Dara. Meeting Dara for the first time was such a relief. Dara encourages her nannies to prepare a nanny portfolio which contains there bio, highlights, resume, grades, pictures, cpr/first aid, trustline, and other important information that a family looks for. Dara gave me my first assignment, and I felt at ease with my portfolio, which was given to the family to keep. It made the interview process so easy and left us both satisfied. I was able to leave the family knowing all about me, and even felt a perfect connection between us. A week later they decided to choose me to be their nanny. It was a perfect match and I thank Dara for preparing me. Thanks Dara you are awesome!!!!!!!

-Jennifer Lucia